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Massey in the Mist - Sacred Graduand Sites Discovered!

For years now Massey Albany has been known for little more than its faux Spanish mission style architecture. However, the ASA's intrepid cultural anthropologist has unearthed (literally) yet another sacred site and the article that follows will serve to de-'mist'-ify the Secret Steam Hole.

Some students may remember the first discovery in Quad A during graduation 2015.  Click here to read the full story. (Or come back to this bit later!)

Graduand Geometry

The ‘academillati’ planners who fiendishly mapped out the university's ‘graduand geometry’ did so with the view of ensuring that those students who are on the cusp of graduating (and who have given good feedback ratings for their classes in MOST surveys) are able to tap into Earth Chakra Points and Vortices allowing those individuals to be ‘filled’ with the full spectrum of possibilities for humans to align and expand. Simply put, Earth Chakra’s are places where electromagnatheric energy spirals and flows down like a tap and if you are in the right place, at the right time you will be ‘connected’ to other earth energy points through the wormhole-like dimensional gates such as ‘feeling’ Mt Fuji or Glastonbury. Cool huh!

Without an infographic the best way to visualise it is just think about those funky little iPhone and iPod speakers that are usually on sale in the mall at Christmas. If the positioning is right-everything is amplified.

ASA Exec raid Campus Registrar's Office

A daring night time raid (by ASA Student Executive) of the office of Campus Registrar, Andrea Davies, has revealed the true meaning and purpose behind the artwork installation titled Vaporous Sculptural Act, which was publicly said to be commissioned to celebrate the Albany Campus’ 21st birthday and highlight it as the Innovation Campus. But that is in fact a smoke, or more aptly a steam screen. And No, it’s not to give the Albany Fire Brigade a bit of a work out when newly arriving international students mistake it for the first signs of emerging volcanic activity. Its true purpose is to give Massey graduates the ability to exercise total GLOBAL DOMINATION as they go out into the big wide world! 

The papers filched from Davies' office reveal that during graduation the vortices are at their peak and rich crystalline deposits with increased Ormus (Orbitally Rearranged Monoatomic Elements or ORMEs) from inner earth create the ideal ‘frequencies’ to expose these lucky students to a variety of dimensional planes - enabling them to channel and absorb the sum total of all mankind’s knowledge. And our vent is the place it all happens.

The Steam Ceremony

However, there are some pre-conditions that must exist before this can happen. Whilst academics deem graduation to be a rite of passage - the ritual that marks a student’s change from one stage of their life to another, there is a much more important ritual that must be performed prior to graduation. The Steam Ceremony!!

The Steam Ceremony is based on the same principles favoured by indigenous peoples of the Americas in their adoption and use of the Sweat Lodge; the use of steam for ceremonial penance and purification. For the Massey crew this penance is for such acts and omissions as having reached graduation without ever stepping foot in the library or for reaching all 2,335 levels of Candy Crush entirely in lecture times. 

Steam chant web

Steamies Language & Prayers

In common with key practices and elements of sweat lodges, intensive training for many years is required before anyone is allowed to be involved in a lodge.  One of the requirements is that participants must be able to pray and communicate in the indigenous language of that culture. For the Massey ’Steamies’ entreaties and homage to the parking gods is a core prayer that must be practiced at least a thousand times prior to graduation. Fluency in the local vernacular such as “See ya at Fergs” and “I’m applying for an aegrotat” are the required and mandatory language skills. 

Bowing to steam

Graduand Attire 

Native American lodge participants favour clothing such as shorts or a loose dress. However, at Massey they stick to the dark graduation ceremonial hoods which are a good way to ensure that lots of that steam gets trapped under all those drapes. Whilst this does not hold any particular ritualistic relevance, the Massey lot will do virtually anything to achieve the dream body and preternaturally clear skin of Aussie supermodel Miranda Kerr (who is a famous adherent of the Steam Ritual). It’s no secret that the Victoria’s Secret angel is a big believer in straight-from-the-earth beauty.  For the guys it’s all about finally dealing to that bacne. 

The Massey OM

Ceremonial song takes the form of OM. Whilst some might think that this originates from the Sanskrit mantra and critically ubiquitous ’sacred syllable’ of South Asian religions it in fact has completely local origins. Practiced and learned from years of lectures and tutorials, this is the go-to response for all Massey students when asked to furnish an opinion in class. Initially Ummm, the O came into use as students goldfish it when shocked awake from their tinder stupor. Thus the OM was born. What our OM does have in common with Hindu, Buddhist and Jain traditions is that the syllable pervades the soundscape of sacrifice.  Parties, student debt and lost years of sleep. The Massey students have earned their moment in the steam. 

Graduand Ritual

Secret cameras set up by the ASA (in the name of transparency) have managed to capture images of this graduation ritual mid-steam. On close inspection the pics reveal the students gathering and frolicking around that little secret grate in the ground in what is best described as truly convincing images of physical ecstasy. Redolent of Matisse’s painting ’The Dance’ the students seem to be unleashing a volcano of energy. The frenzy is one you would imagine would be witnessed at a Bacchanalian festival (ok look it up on wiki - Massey has gotta have given you some research skills). 

Steam joy

Steamies Will Inherit the Earth

Do not be fooled by these students who are now imbued with full power and knowledge of the universe. You may come across them in years to come as merely the HR guy in the company that’s about to sack you, or as the Cyfs worker that is sorting out your neighbours kids, or even the nurse that sets your broken arm after that oh so embarrassing work Christmas party debacle - but you have been put on notice. These Steamies are going to rise and inherit the earth.

Stream or Steam?

This investigative expose is not just a lot of hot or even cold air. Think about it….do you really believe the name of our online system ‘STREAM ‘is just a coincidence? We are just one R away from the truth ….spooky.

A post script for those of you that would like to find out more. Our Massey Albany Steam Vent is now listed as one of Google Earths Anomalies. Check it out. 

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